The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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