he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
