worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
