he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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