We tried having a conversation with our noses.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize