Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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