i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
