We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
