Will you blow on my dice?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
