I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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