all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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