The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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