When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize