hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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