I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
