I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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