So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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