If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
