dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
