I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
