dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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