I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
