I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
