you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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