Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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