if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
