if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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