i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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