im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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