Moan for me like Helen Keller
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
