I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
