tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
