I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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