just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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