Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
