the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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