Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize