Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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