I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
