I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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