When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
