Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
