Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
