I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
