they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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