Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
