i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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