he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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