my phone needs a breathalizer
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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