I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
