Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
