Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
