I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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