masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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