I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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