I'm gonna have a badass scar
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
