Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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